"I'm Coming Out!"

It's international CLARA HUGHES week! Or at least, it is in my head, LOL. She is riding 12,000km around Canada to raise awareness, funds and to stomp out the stigma once and for all that remains around mental illness. I love Clara Hughes. In a kind of ridiculous, over the top, you shouldn't love anyone like this kinda way on not be in jail. When she competed in the Summer Olympics and won two bronze medals I fell in love. When I saw her don ice skates and win Olympic medals in speed skating, I was in awe. I watched her sportsmanship, how respected she was by her fellow athletes, I giggled at her interviews as her pure joy in life spilled out and infected me. Then I found out she had a secret - she suffers from depression and mental illness. Now let's put this in perspective - Clara Hughes was a golden girl. An athlete. A bastion of perfection and athletic awesomeness. This is how we idolize people in these positions - as perfect. Then consider how brave it was for her to rip off her golden sheen and be open about her experiences with mental illness. She became, for many, a normalization of mental illness. Her straight talk about her challenges made so many people's daily struggles seem important and acceptable. She is changing the face of mental illness once and for all. I was one of those who were a little changed by Clara's confessions. You see, I also suffer from mental illness. And I too, live a wonderful, full, happy life. Most importantly, I, like Clara, am one of the success stories. I live each day to the fullest, no matter what challenges face me. I don't often speak of my mental illness, because I don't believe it defines who I am. I am wrong in this, however. As a survivor, and being who I am, I MUST speak out and be unafraid to be judged. Because if one person hears me and feels that they are okay to be who they are, and most importantly that they can LIVE, then it will have been worth it. Over the course of my life, my illness has manifested itself in many ways. I purged my first meal at age 12, as a way to manage my weight, and gather back a smidge of my self worth. Thus began anorexia, my coping mechanism for the anxiety and depression that sunk me to despair. At the height of my illness I had a BMI of under 14. I never new anything about my behavior was not normal. In fact, it was the first time I got some respect. When this no longer satisfied my anxiety and depression, I took to self harm, through cutting, self mutilation and burns. Then came bulimia. If being empty didn't help, then maybe feeling full would. Then, all of these addictions lay just below the surface waiting to be called up when depression and anxiety struck. Sometimes all three wouldn't work and then what doctors' call "suicidal ideation" became my norm. Suicide attempts occured when desperation set in. Imagine, the girl who had it all, willing to give it all up. That, my friends, is what you call gut wrenching, mind bending, unimaginable pain. The interesting part is, no one would EVER have known anything was out of the ordinary. I was very good at being one person in public, and another inside my head. I didn't know then that the voice inside my head wasn't me at all. I lived in shame and fear that someday, someone would see who I was. 7 years ago, at my hospital intake, I was told I had a serious, chronic, mental disorder, and that left untreated I would likely not survive the coming year. Instead I took the coming year in hospital to do exactly the opposite - to learn how to live. Which is now what I do! I live each day and jump out of bed excited for what it will bring. It is work - hard work - sometimes excruciating work to banish the voice that tells me I am worthless and should stay home, then combats my determination to face the day with panic and fear. But I win. I eat. I smile at myself in the mirror. I do everything I can each day to LIVE. For my friends, my family, and for me. Cause damn it, I'm worth it. Find Your CORE!

Starting the Conversation

Illness tends to be a lonely place. No matter what ails you - it is you and you alone who suffers in your own unique way, be it a common cold, or stage 4 cancer. Each individual suffering is different and apart from what anyone else has experienced, so the best we can do for those we love when they are ill is to empathize, try to understand, and to support. But, in truth, when you are unwell, it is a solo flight, with (hopefully) lots of ground support. What to do, though, when your isolation is matched with fear? When you are are afraid of reaching out for support. When you expect judgement. When the empathy and understanding you need isn't offered, or your illness is rejected. This happened to me this weekend: I speak easily, and in an age appropriate way about my mental & emaotional struggles in front of my children. I mentioned in front of them that I took medication to help with my emotional imbalances. I was later berated by someone in the room, who called this "inapropriate", rolled their eyes in scorn, and said that information such as this should not be shared publicly (TOO.LATE.) What? If I had mentioned that I took Advil for a migraine, would this be a problem?Synthroid for my Hypothyroidism? Puffers for Asthma? Statins for high cholesterol? I suspect that these and many more would be considered just fine. After all, we can't prevent those diseases, can we? It's not your fault your thyroid doesn't function. Yes. I am rolling MY eyes this time. I think people are terrified of mental illness, because there is no-one who cannot relate to the pain of mental & emotional trauma. Who hasn't felt panic, fear, sadness, mania, depression etc in the course of their lives. Who among us hasn't felt so overwhelmed at some point that getting out of bed seems impossible? Not many, I'm guessing. To deny that these disorders are valid, that mental illness is an issue that cannot be controlled, is simply expressing the fear that one day they too could suffer. I can only imagine the pain of dialysis, but am far removed from the reality of it. So when my friend who is going through this turns to me, it is easy to find empathy, and not to fear this happening to me. I cannot imagine what she is feeling, so I can only pray for her. Remember when you felt any of the above? Right - now imagine feeling like that permanently without hope of returning to the capable human being you once were. It's terrifying. No wonder that so many people prefer to believe that "it could never happen to them" and prefer to have these issues and the reminders of their own fallibility shoved behind closed doors. Now I know that was harsh. I know that many reading this blog are extremely tolerant and understanding of those in their lives who suffer mental illness. But I challenge even those who have a progressive and open minded attitude to step up and start talking. Be a part of the conversation. Because it is no longer enough to simply stand by. I don't know if we'll change the minds of everyone, but we WILL empower those living with mental illness. We will slowly help employers, neighbours, families to accept that people who suffer ARE normal people, as capable as anyone else of being a productive and important part of society. We that suffer are not left without responsibility. We must, as we are able, start the conversations ourselves. We must look within ourselves, and learn to love what we see. After all we cannot possibly expect to be accepted by others, if we do not accept ourselves. Famous Public Figures Who Suffer From Mental Illness Bipolar Disorder: Catherine Zeta Jones, Beethoven, Rosemary Clooney, Demi Lovato, Kurt Cobain, Carrie Fisher, Ben Stiller, Mel Gibson, Robert Munsch, Winston Churchill, Jean Claude Van Damme, Francis Ford Coppolla Post Partum Depression: Brooke Shields, Bryce Dallas Howard, Britney Spears Clinical Depression: Emma Thompson, Jim Carrey, Ashley Judd, Jon Hamm, Buzz Aldrin, Janet Jackson, F.Scott Fitzgerald, John Daly, George Michael, Eric Clapton, Ernest Hemingway, Charles Dickens, Clara Hughes Disassociative Identity Disorder: Herschel Walker, Roseanne Arnold (along with OCD, depression and agoraphobia) Panic Disorders: Paula Deen (along with agoraphobia), Nicole Kidman, Margot Kidder (along with depression) Jian Gomeshi, Johnny Depp, Oprah Winfrey, David Bowie,Scarlett Johansen, Kate Moss, Adele, Emma Stone Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder: David Beckham, Fred Durst, Howard Stern, Howie Mandel Eating Disorders: Elton John, Princess Diana, Portia DeRossi, Jane Fonda, Audrey Hepburn, Katie Couric, Sally Field, Tracy Gold, Candace Cameron Bure,Felicity Huffman,Diane Keaton, Dennis Quaid, Meredith Vieira Dyslexia: Albert Einstein, Tom Cruise, Walt Disney, Alexander Graham Bell, Nelson Rockefeller The above lists are very small segment of the amounts of people who live with mental illness. You are not alone! v