Finding the Light in the Darkness

It's hard work fighting depression and anxiety when things are going well, but I admit that with practise, I have become very good at it. It's not hard to find good when all is going well. Food is on the table. Family is clothed and warm. I have a fantastic job. Financial (mostly) stability, even though we scrimp and save. It's much easier to part the dark clouds when the sunshine is obvious, and bright. So, when darkness pervades?

What then? I would have told you 2 years ago that nothing could shake the strong foundation I had built for my recovery. I was making plans for the future, growing a business, plowing through life in my traditional bulldozer like way. I had it. All. Would I ever relapse? Or suffer what I had in the past? Pffft. No way. No how. Relapse is for weaklings, and I am not that. Until I got a phone call, my big brother, telling me that my Mum had passed away. Part of me broke away. Then, a falling out with my middle brother (a long time coming) and then an early morning phone call, this time with the passing of my Dad. Another chunk fell. 3 of my 5 family members. Gone. Piece by piece, I weaken. I injured myself, leaving me completely bedridden for weeks. Pull another piece off. I didn't even notice that I was more irritable. Quicker to turn away. Less able to feel. Easier to skip a meal. Harder to fight back a low mood. Scarier to get out the door. Impossible, some days, actually. Who am I? But I held steady. Until the bottom fell out of my life, and spiralled downhill when the only thing I thought I could trust with my heart, told me I no longer could. Where am I? I'm black. Cold. Alone. And terrified. How do I rebuild from this?

"Take this sinking boat and point it home We've still got time Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice You'll make it now" Glen Hansard - Falling Slowly

As usual, music has my answer. A reminder actually. I will raise my hopeful voice. I will make a choice. Many choices, in fact. Some small, some momentous. But mine. And mine alone. Nobody rescued me. No one pushed me down. I have always, and will continue to choose life. I will continue to make the right, and moral choice, even when the easier route is so much more appealing. I will thrive again,and I know it. I will peek through the black and see the open arms of my friends and family, and with much hope, I will rebuild myself back to all I want to be. There is always light. I'm just working on finding the energy to look up. Embrace the Crazy.