I'm not a great person. I'm not smart particularly. I'm good with words, but everything else I do requires thought, practice and effort. Not much comes easily to me. I'm not a paticularly trusting person but once you are in my tight inner circle (and it's..well...miniscule- in fact likely the only people who would ever read the pity fest that is to come are those people whom I trust. So, maybe two ppl ever. Maybe.) I have no reason to trust people. They inevitably let me down and this is my fault. I expect them to treat me like I treat them. Oh, I found something else I'm naturally good at. Love. When ppl come into my life, it doesn't take much to make me love them.Because people are awesome. I always joke that I hate humanity. It couldn't be further from the truth. People often scare me. Occasionally I allow them to make me feel small. Being that I hurt easily, ppl often callously fail to consider others before serving their own needs. And often, my feelings become fallout. But a big part of being human is just that. Being human. And humans are beautifully imperfect, completely fucked up in fact. Every one person a different story. Full of possibility. Full of complex humany things. People laugh. People cry. We rail against injustice, and two breaths later commit our own. We are one, fucked up species. And they call us the highest level of consciousness. I love people. Walking into a room full of people terrifies me and thrills me in equal measure. People laugh when they hear I have social anxiety because its rarely less than 5 minutes before I've met most of the room. In that 5 minutes I will have changed my life a little, because any human interaction has impact. That, my friends is fucking cool. I talk to weird people. I talk to crazy people. I talk to angry, sad, happy people. I have talked to celebrities, and with the exception of my brush with Clara Hughes (it was embarassing) I have talked with them in exactly the same way that I would with a bum on the street. I have dined with CEO's worth billions of dollars, gone to lunch with David Cassidy (c'mon, get happy!) had breakfast with my friend, shared an ice cream with by husband, sat on the curb and shared my sub with a person not fortunate enough to have a table. Or their own sub. All of the above have one thing in common. All people. So, it's a bit of an affliction, my loving of people. I've figured out in the last year or so that it's not the greatest thing ever. Imagine that you wake up, full of energy, and the first thoughts you have are super exciting happy thoughts of all the people you know you will see today!! And then thinking of the rest of people you love dearly. And the people whom you might meet! YAY o YAY o YAY o YAY o YAY Yes. That's me. Step 1 of my day occurs before my eyes open. Step 2. What am I doing today to make all of the people I love and meet feel special. Everyone should feel special. Step 3. Brush teeth. I have horrendous morning breath. Step 4. Do all the things I thought of above. Gosh I sound nice. I'm not. I have no agenda. This is who I am. I don't wait until bad things happen to let ppl know I care. Because I want ppl to know I care. Because they should know I care. Because truly I love you. And that means a lot to me. A text, a funny post on facebook, a phone call. A bunch of flowers picked and delivered. An invite to do something. A random stop in to chat. A cupcake delivered to front door. A shared book that brought you to mind. I'm not an occasion person. Everyday is an occasion. I'm not a nice person. W've established that. But I am good at love. And I practise it. Put thought into it. And I am good at knowing what people need, putting it together and making it happen. Because, well, LOVE. and PEOPLE. There's a reson why I am drawn to the service industry. I truly 100% do not look to have people treat me the same way. This is MY way of loving. It needn't be yours. I understand that every single person has different ways of showing love and recieving love. Sometimes I run out of deposits in my "People love me" bank account, though. Sometimes, maybe my fault because I dont trust people, probably my own fault because I don't "love myself enough" and definitely my fault because I know MOST people care enough to not hurt me on purpose, sometimes I find myself so far in a love deficit that not even overdraft insurance will cover the ache that it leaves. Don;t get me wrong, when I am in GREAT need, people are there, helpful, giving, even demonstrative. But apart from the last 6 months of my life, I am rarely in great need. I know I'm happy. I know I'm an independant, out going has it all kinda gal. I'm glad of that. But would it kill somebody in my life (some exclusions) to wake up in the morning and do one nice thing to show they cared about me just because? I'm so fucking lonely. I'm dying inside because I want just a few of the people in my life to treat me the way I treat them. Sometimes even. Because people SCREAM their true thoughts when they treat me with indifference. If you treat me like you don't care, even I will believe you. I don't have the energy to look after everyone unless once in a while someone looks after me. I want to be loved fiercely for the fucked up, foolish, naive, stubborn, easily hurt, anxious, often selfish, always silly, terrible joke sayer, sometimes moody, often giddy with happiness true bits of me. I cannot spend the rest of my life in such completely unbalanced relationships. I simply wont survive it and still be me. I want someone to love not for I can do for them. But for the pleasure in doing something for me will bring them. Maybe then I'll realize I am more than good enough. More than worthy. And then maybe I'll believe it.